请雅思高手还有老师帮我评判一下我的大作文并给出一点意见.\(≧▽≦)/~Nowadays,children play less with others and this has an impact on their development.What are the reasons for this?Does it have a good or a bad effect on c

请雅思高手还有老师帮我评判一下我的大作文并给出一点意见.\(≧▽≦)/~Nowadays,children play less with others and this has an impact on their development.What are the reasons for this?Does it have a good or a bad effect on c
请雅思高手还有老师帮我评判一下我的大作文并给出一点意见.\(≧▽≦)/~
Nowadays,children play less with others and this has an impact on their development.What are the reasons for this?Does it have a good or a bad effect on children?

请雅思高手还有老师帮我评判一下我的大作文并给出一点意见.\(≧▽≦)/~Nowadays,children play less with others and this has an impact on their development.What are the reasons for this?Does it have a good or a bad effect on c
最多6分
我觉得这篇文章逻辑不是太清晰,体现出逻辑结构的连词太少了,also , on the other hand这些连词又不够高级
还有就是表达了你的观点后,"we"这种第一人称最好不要再用,多用第三人称的it代替,显得更客观